Facing the end of your marriage is difficult.  Dealing with the Massachusetts Probate Court System is difficult.  Being a single parent is difficult.  Here are 30 steps you can take to make the entire process a bit less difficult.

1.  Hire a Lawyer.  You’re facing one of the most difficult times in your life.  It is not the time to try to learn the complicated divorce laws of Massachusetts on your own.  Attempting to represent yourself in your divorce can lead to disaster.  Hire a skilled family lawyer and you’ll avoid mistakes that might be devastating.

2.  Hire The Right Attorney. Divorce is a highly emotional experience and it is expensive.  Take time to interview attorneys and choose the one who is the right fit for your budget and your personality.  You and your attorney must work as a team through the process, so choose one that you trust and that understands your goals.

3.  See A Counselor. Divorce is hard.  Having a trained professional to talk to can help you work through your emotions and understand your spouse’s and your children’s behaviors during this difficult time.  Whether you choose a psychologist, a social worker, or a member of the clergy, getting help before the divorce disrupts your life will make everything easier.

4.  Set Your Priorities. So many people start the divorce process when they are entirely focused on the emotional aspects of the end of the marriage.  Work with you lawyer to set up a rational strategy for caring for your children and managing finances, then stick to the strategy.  Resist the urge to fight every single detail and focus on what is most important

5.  Know Where Every Penny Goes. The court will require you to complete a financial statement from time to time.  Be sure to have copies of all of your recent household and personal bills on hand, and keep track of how you spend your cash.  Knowing exactly what it costs to keep your family going will help you and your attorney make an accurate financial strategy.

6. Keep A Journal. Develop the habit of recording your daily activities because little details can become surprisingly important.  Who drove Jack to soccer practice last May?  When did you pay the electric bill?  Did Melissa sprain her right ankle on Tuesday or her left ankle on Thursday? Write it down and you’ll have the answer when the question is asked.

7.   Start The Process. If you know that your marriage has broken down, don’t wait until summer vacation, or until after the New Year.  Waiting will not benefit anyone and it will only prolong the ordeal.  Find a qualified family law attorney and follow your attorney’s instructions.  The sooner you start, the sooner everyone will be on the way to healing.

8. Plan For Your New Financial Life. Work with your attorney and your financial planner to establish a budget and a savings plan for after the divorce.  Remember that retirement will come whether or not you are prepared.  Sticking to a budget and a savings plan will make the next phase of your life far more pleasant.

9. Untangle Your Joint Finances. Set up separate checking accounts, pay off and close your joint credit card accounts.

10.  Deal With the Unsecured Debt. Usually a divorcing couple has a substantial amount of unsecured debt, which includes credit cards.  Remember that a joint credit card account means that both parties are equally responsible to the credit card company for the payments regardless of who incurred the debt.  Make a plan for resolving the credit card debt as part of your settlement agreement to avoid ugly surprises later.

9.  Use Realistic Assumptions. When dividing investments be sure to consult the appropriate investment advisors.  Never rely on a stated rate of return on future investments, especially if it comes from opposing counsel.

10. Don’t Rock The Boat. Unless there is an emergency, Massachusetts Probate judges are reluctant to change the status quo.  If you focus on keeping each family member’s life as close as possible to the way it was before the marriage ended, the divorce process will be easier for all of you.

11.  Prepare to Squeeze Pennies. You will be supporting two households on the same income that was only supporting one.  Pare down your spending, and look for ways to enhance your income, and your budget crunch will be easier to bear.

12.  Have An Accurate Valuation of the Family Business. Whether it is your business or your spouse’s it is critical to have an accurate valuation of the business, its current sale value, its assets, its liabilities, and its cash flow.  Under valuation and over valuation can cause taxation and other problems that are very difficult to resolve after the divorce is final.

13. Understand Your Financial Issues. Many people build up savings in their employer’s 401K plans and other retirement programs, but they don’t understand how those assets can be divided and used during a divorce and after.  Work with your attorney and you accountant to understand Qualified Domestic Relations Orders, when retirement assets can be spent without incurring penalties, and how to save for your retirement after divorce.

14.  Protect Yourself From Potential IRS Problems. Ask your attorney about the “innocent spouse” rule and be sure that your separation agreement provides protection in case your spouse develops some tax problems.

15.   Consider Alimony. Many paying spouses assume that paying alimony is always a bad idea.  They don’t like the idea that they must continue to support their former spouse.  However, in some instances paying alimony can be less of a financial burden than some child support structures.  Review all of the support options with your attorney and keep your mind open.

16.  Secure Support Payments. Put a system in place so that if the paying spouse dies, the child support will continue.

17.  Pick Your Battles. Be reasonable throughout the process, stay focused on your goal, and fight only on the critical issues, which are taking care of the children, resolving the debt, and allocating major assets.

18. Pay Attention To Details. Your Separation Agreement and the Parenting Plan are the “rules of the game” for your life after divorce.  Make a list of the important issues, and be sure that everything is addressed in language that you and your spouse understand.  Remember to work out who will take care of pick-up and drop-off, when the children spend the holidays with which parent, and who is in charge of the pediatrician and dentist visits.  Minding the details will help keep you out of court once the divorce is over.

19.  Make a Detailed Parenting Plan. Massachusetts courts prefer that parents remain flexible in dealing with each other and their children’s needs.  However, having a detailed, written, Parenting Plan will help you, your spouse, and your children establish a firm foundation.

20. Understand the Child Support Guidelines. Child support in Massachusetts is calculated by a strict mathematical scale that uses both parents’ income in determining who will pay how much child support to whom.  Use the Commonwealth’s Child Support Guidelines Worksheet to determine your obligation so you can prepare your budget.

21. Insulate Your Children. Divorce is stressful for parents and it can be far worse for the children.  Keep your discussions regarding money, custody, visitation, and the other parent’s shortcoming between the parents.  Never complain to your children about money, don’t tell them when you pay support or when you don’t receive it.  Let your children be children.

22. Know When To Settle.  Some people settle too early simply because they feel driven to end the marriage immediately.  Others argue over every single detail without looking at the overall picture.  Work closely with your attorney so that you are certain that the settlement you reach is fair and reasonable.

23. Document Your Support Payments. Keep a written record of every support and alimony payment you make including the date of the check, the date it was sent, the amount, and a copy of the cancelled check.  If you use automatic withdrawal or payroll deduction, be sure to keep your pay stubs.  And, in every case, keep your bank statements and take a moment to highlight the support withdrawals.

24. File All Modifications With The Court. Once you are divorced, you and your former spouse may agree to changes in the way you care for the children, the timing of support payments, or the amount of support payments.  Be sure to record the changes in writing and have your signatures recognized by a Notary Public.  Then bring the changes to court and have the modification incorporated into you divorce judgment.  That way, everyone will be clear on what has changed and how it has changed.

25. Change The Beneficiaries. As soon as you receive your divorce judgment, be sure to change the beneficiaries on your investment accounts, life insurance policies, and retirement accounts as allowed by your Separation Agreement.

26.  Let The Minor Details Go. Sentimental items such as Christmas ornaments and favorite lounge chairs can hold great emotional value.  Arguing over them can cause financial ruin.  Stay focused on the key issues – taking care of your children and managing a split budget – and the little things will fall into place.

27.  Don’t Listen To Your Family.  Don’t Listen To Your Friends. Although everyone will want to help you, and they will have the best intentions, their advice might be very wrong.  Hire an attorney you trust and follow your attorney’s advice.

28.  Tell Your Lawyer Everything.  Now is not the time to hold back.  If your lawyer knows all of the worst, he will be best prepared to deal with it if and when your spouse’s attorney raises the issue.  Full disclosure is the best approach.

29. Be Prepared. To start the divorce process you will need a certified copy of your marriage license (not the certificate from your church.)  Bring one with you to the first meeting with your lawyer.  You will also need to produce your last four pay stubs, information about your current health insurance policy (including your ID card) and tax returns for the last three years.  Gather them all and bring them, along with a valid photo ID, to the meeting.  It will make the meeting much easier and will help you keep your costs down.

30. Remember To Do Exactly What Your Lawyer Tells You To Do. Trust that your lawyer knows the law and the court system.  Resist the urge to second guess your attorney based on information that you found on the internet or on television.  As long as you follow your lawyer’s instructions to the letter, the process will go much more smoothly.